He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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