You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
3pm strippers are depressing
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
