My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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