I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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