he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
