I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
