well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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