I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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