everyone is single if you try hard enough
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
