I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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