I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
