I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
