I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The Olympian is in my bed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
