Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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