Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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