I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
