Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
