His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
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Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
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We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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