I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
