STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
