There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
