I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
