My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
