I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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