Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
