she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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