Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
