I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
