I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She's the barista slut.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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