Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
