I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
