she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
