dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
