im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
