put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
