Pants 0. Shit 1.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense