Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."