a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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