Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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