how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
