On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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