he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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