She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
