i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
