is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
