I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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