Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
