Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
