I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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