Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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