Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
