the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
