I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
