I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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