apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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