Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
