I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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