I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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