Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
