I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
