I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
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