My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
