Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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