We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I would fuck him just for his dog
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
