at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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