Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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