So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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